Designer and Full Spectrum Doula, Marise admits that sharing her story is healing for her. In her episode of The Tribe of Suns Podcast she shared her four pregnancy journeys-- three of which would end prematurely as a result of miscarriage from unknown causes. Marise talks about how she made it through and how she found her calling as a doula. She also gives some many gems about how to support women through loss. You’ll hear why this mama is the epitome of resilience and love.
Marise shares that she was in a strange place prior to conceiving her first son, Carter. Commuting, work life, and her then boyfriend(now husband, Azim) were keeping Marise busy and she wasn’t giving any thought to motherhood at that time. She was “totally shocked.” Once over the initial surprise, she was excited in a way she had never been before.
Morning sickness threw Marise for a loop, but it was the actual indication that she was indeed expecting. It would dawn on her that perhaps she should take a pregnancy test. We laugh at the ongoing joke of Dollar Tree pregnancy tests and their validity. It would be around the 6 week mark that Marise would make her way to her Ob whom she had just recently begun seeing. She experienced spotting early on in her pregnancy and admits to being concerned. Not knowing much about the physiological aspects of pregnancy, Marise didn’t ever consider miscarriage as a possibility,nor did her Dr. bring it up. She raised concerns about the bleeding with her gynecologist and she remembers the dismissive nature of her response. She offered no advice, recommendations--nothing.
(Side note: this podcast exists because of incidences like this. The Irth App, that sister Kimberly Seals Allers created exists because of incidents of mistreatment, bias, prejudice, etc.
Marise believes that part of the issue with Dr’s who deal in pregnancy and birth is that there is still so much that is not understood when it comes to female reproduction. She believes that often times Dr.’s will have a complex about things that they don’t understand.
Around her 11th week she would begin to experience cramps similar to menstrual cramps. She didn’t think much of it at first, but she got right to researching. She went back to her Dr and expressed concern. The Dr. would respond that they had seen a heartbeat and things were probably fine. They scheduled her for her screening appointment, but by the end of the week Marise realizes that she's currently having a miscarriage. She remarks that many people don’t think about the possibility of your body going into labor at 11 weeks and notes that it's another part of miscarriage that people neglect to talk about.
She hadn’t yet shared the news with a large number of people, but her friends and family were very supportive after finding out about the loss of her baby boy. She remarks how physically painful the miscarriage was and how surrendering to it helped along with the love of friends and family.
The days and weeks post miscarriage which Marise refers to as the “raw period” where you are still trying to process that the loss is real. It's the time where you get the most attention, but its the time where its really hard to receive it because you as the parent that has experienced the loss are still trying to wrap your brain around it all.
She wanted people to keep reaching out beyond the first few weeks. Marise also speaks to what recovery is like and how it depends on a number of factors including how far along the mama is.
Marise would end up only taking one week off work following Carter's transition to an angel baby. She acknowledges that in hindsight it should have been more time, but she was doing what she thought she was supposed to do---work work work work work work. A marriage proposal followed by the planning of their wedding would be a pleasant distraction, but Marise makes sure to say that she’s not advocating for creating distractions for yourself. A couple weeks before their wedding Marise and her soon to be husband, Azim would find out they were expecting their second son. A baby boy they would name Stokely. It was exciting but also scary. She would keep reminding herself that things were going to be okay. Horrible morning sickness and more spotting would wear on her resolve and pregnancy affirmations. Regardless, she would take time and care to plan her pregnancy. She would find a Dr. that worked with midwives and decide to receive care from them for the duration of her pregnancy.
With the spotting still a cause for concern Marise would be checked by the midwife. The midwife would find that everything mostly looked good, but she mentioned something called a “sub chorionic hematoma”. Marise never received any feedback on the discussion that was later had between her Ob and midwife. It turned out that she did in fact have a sub chorionic hematoma which is the accumulation of blood within the fold of the outer fetal membrane situated right next to the placenta or between the placenta and the uterus. Subchorionic bleeding usually resolves on its own, but some cases require immediate medical attention, especially in women with sensitive pregnancy.
A gush of blood around 12 weeks would confirm the hematoma. She received testing for genetic disorders, and all the tests came back fine. The bleeding would eventually stop and Marise would continue on with her pregnancy up to 19 weeks. It would feel like a throbbing (kind of a gassy feeling) and it would continue to worsen. A trip to the restroom would reveal that Marise was bleeding, so she and Azim made the trip to the ER. That trip solidified to Marise that the ER is no place for a pregnant woman. They would triage her, but the bleeding would continue to get worse. She would wait for many hours. She did receive an ultrasound and more hours would pass before she found out the results of the ultrasound. A very nervous looking resident would reveal that her cervix was dilating. The Dr. from labor and delivery, who happened to be a black woman would deliver more news to Marise with no bedside manner.
The treatment during her 2nd loss is treatment that no one should ever experience. In the moment, the only thing Marise could think to ask was “Is are you sure there is nothing you can do?” “You can try again” is what the Dr. told her. That is a sentiment that you never want to express to a parent that has experienced the loss of a child because one child never takes the place of another--ever.
Rather than being transferred to L&D, Marise was kept in the ER all night. She’d eventually be given drug to induce labor and after continued complaints she would be moved out of the ER. She voiced her concerns with her treatment in the ER with the L&D nurses and she received the empathy that she should have been getting all along. Although still disappointed in how she was treated, in hindsight, Marise was able to “acknowledge the Dr’s humanity and the obstacles that she is likely up against.” Trauma informed training is something that Marise believes every health care worker needs.
Healing early on looked like “I’m going to throw anything against the wall and see what sticks,” said Marise. She recounts a story she heard in Michelle Obama’s book Becoming that was very telling of what she experienced after enduring 2 pregnancy losses. The beauty in it all is that it lit a fire in Marise to learn more by reading the stories of others and researching what had been documented in her medical records. The journey sparked her interest in supporting other families that had gone through the same thing. Marise would experience others sharing their experiences with loss after they learned of her story. It left her perplexed as to why she hadn’t known these people’s stories before, but it was confirmation of this idea that someone’s child dying is an “off limits” topic. She wholly believes that people need support after experiencing a loss.
Personal support outside of friends and family is helpful and understanding that is how Marise came to decide to be a doula. She joined both in person and online support groups and forums. She also found that making voice recordings and sharing them with a close family member who she only required to let her know that she had listened to the recordings, but did not need a response was beneficial to her mental health. Meditation and deep breathing were also helpful.
Marise makes a point to say that any of the resources that she mentions can be of use to the support circle around the person(s) that experienced the loss.
Marise and Angel baby, Ellison
Marise would experience another devastating loss of their third son, Ellison at 29 weeks. She would give herself the time that in hindsight she knew she needed with her first two losses. She took a whole year to grieve, be sad, and work toward healing. It would make her question so many things, but she worked through it with the grief going through ebbs and flows. Through it all she still knew that she wanted to be a mommy to a baby that she could hold. The pregnancy was beautiful and she found herself looking forward to the morning sickness that came with it because it was her way of knowing that she was still pregnant.
She remembers it going well into her 2nd trimester. She got every test done to see if there were any complications. Marise would hold on to every moment that she experienced and found herself being her own doula. She spoke of being kind to herself and allowing herself to feel sad when she needed to because her grief for her previous losses was ongoing.
Life doesn’t exist without death
Life is more precious because of death.
(Marise shared this sentiment in our interview and this realization was so profound for me as the interviewer.)
She would take her pregnancy week by week with very little planning. Understandably, she could only live in the present and that got her through. At week 26 she would feel intense anxiety as she approached the 29 week mark where her previous pregnancy with baby Ellison had come to an end. The practice that she had chosen was beyond empathetic to her feelings. They would offer her the ability to come in whenever she felt the need to. They would also offer her the ability to be induced at 37 weeks. Marise was willing to wait until 39 weeks, but her mental health mattered so she would take them up on that offer. She would schedule her induction. The bright side to her pregnancy losses that Marise shares is that she was able to see that there are some healthcare workers that are kind and empathetic to the needs and emotions of their patients.
Letting family and friends know that she was expecting early in the pregnancy would allow her to receive ongoing support and upliftment throughout her pregnancy journey.
The idea of being in control has come up before on the Tribe of Suns Podcast in episode 3. Marise had felt so little control as she experienced 3 pregnancy losses, that being induced gave some of that back to her. She was being induced, but she still wanted to have the least amount of interventions, namely the epidural. She would reach 8” in a labor that she recalls fairly quickly. She was exhausted and exerting a lot of energy. After a conversation with her Dr. she'd share that she didn't want the epidural because she wanted to feel her baby coming out. Her Dr. understood and they would find a middle ground that would allow Marise to rest, but also be coherent and not completely numb to the physical sensation of her daughter being born.
Her mother would be a beautiful asset to Marise’s birth team. She too felt all of the losses along with her daughter and son in love. While Marise remained adamant that she didn't want the epidural, she was stressing herself out and creating anxiety for herself. The Dr.would present her with an option that would not only allow her to rest, but also give some pain relief, but not to the point of numbness. The experience would be a gift to Marise. She would have a dedicated birth team and her labor progressed so well from there on out that she, her husband, and mom were all beyond thrilled when she finally had her baby girl in her arms.
Memphys
Her postpartum experience was filled with support and she was able to use the postpartum stories of her sister friends to help her navigate the complexities of that period. She set up support for herself and her husband, who was also processing the newness of having a newborn. Staggering support would prove useful and having friends that dropped off food also eased the burden.
Marise offers “be kind to yourself” as a loving sentiment to families that have experienced loss. She also gives us an update on what her daughter, Memphys is up to these days. She dedicates her episode to all 4 of her children Carter, Stokely, Ellison, and Memphys.
Ultrasound pictures of Marise's beautiful babies
Marise and Memphys
Marise, Memphys, and Azim
Resources:
Stillbirthday --a resource for finding a bereavement doula and support
Sisters in Loss Podcast--a community of black women replacing silence with storytelling
Far As The Curse Is Found by Abigail Waldron
Star Legacy Foundation--stillbirth prevention and research
Irth App--a "Yelp-like" review & rating app for hospitals & physicians made by and for Black women & birthing people of color. created by Kimberly Seals Allers, who is "on a mission to equalize the experience of giving birth in this country for every person.
Comments